He needs his glasses!

Hi! Remember me? I've been busy/lazy and haven't posted here in ages, but I promise to have more drunken stories and thoughts about cats coming at you soon. Boom!

I shot a bunch of videos for a web series with some improv friends, so check them out! The writers and actors are almost completely UCB performers and students, so you might recognize a familiar face or two. Mine, at least. Check it out!

http://www.onthefourthfloor.com

I'm in episodes 3 & 6, with more to come out soon. Here's my stuff:

I hate my body

I went out last night for a friend's birthday party in the Bronx and was forced to have fun and drink too much. Here is what happened when started the journey home around 3am:

• I fall asleep very briefly on the bench waiting for the train.
• I stumble onto the train and proceed to fall asleep again.
• I wake up as the train is approaching 181st because the train is stopping/a homeless man is yelling something at me. I have no idea what he's saying, but am alarmed to be at 181st because I am used to travelling north and think that I have missed my stop. I hate myself.
• I bolt off the train and stumble toward the elevator, thinking I'll just take a cab home because I saved so much money by being given a thousand free drinks.
• I realize that I was travelling in the correct direction and should have stayed on the train and that it's 3:30 and that I hate myself more.
• I get in the elevator with the same homeless man who proceeds to mumble at me and hound me for change. Even if I had some, I don't know if I could be coordinated enough to look for it.
• I leave the station and start walking north on Amsterdam. I have no fucking clue where I am or how to get to Broadway, which is where I assume I'll find a cab or another subway station. I also don't realize that the numbers are getting larger when they should be getting smaller. I consider taking a standing catnap against a wall.
• I finally get a gypsy cab to pick me up (after turning down a large white van that offered me a ride) and start insisting that he's going the wrong way, which he isn't.
• I get home! I wash my face and fall into bed! I also make sure my alarm is set because I am a responsible adult and have to be up in 3.5 hours.
• I wake up 10 minutes before I should be leaving the apartment.
• I throw on the first outfit that hits my hand when I reach for my floor and make it to work only 15 minutes late.
• At 11:50am, my body is just now considering not being drunk anymore. So far it hasn't come to a conclusion. Except that it hates me.

The internet is a treasure

God bless it.

I knew you'd come back to me.

Holy shit, guys. Holy shit! With this blog entry, I have single-handedly brought back the P'Zone. Check this out: http://www.pizzahut.com/

Just like they say, if you love something set it free; if it returns to you, it's yours. I knew ours was a love that knew no boundaries of size or limited times or human/food relations. Welcome back into my hungry arms and hungry eyes, my dearest.

A delicious death for kitty

I just got back from lunch, where I had something claiming to be thai food. I'm pretty sure it was spicy cat food. I found this photo fitting for my lunchtime confusion.

I found this picture while google searching something about cats and I am intrigued by so many things about this product.

Let's start with the name of this product. "Lenguas de Gato," which is translated into "Cat Languages." Will I find a cat-to-human dictionary inside? Are there cds inside that I may listen to so that I may speak "cat" as well? Or is it merely a box full of cat tongues to use at my disposal?

No, it is not. Unless those cat tongues are covered in 100% Chocolate! Does this mean it's chocolate that's safe for cats? By the terrified look on that poor kitty's face, I'm going to say no. This is probably a delicious and deadly cat exterminator, much like salt is to the slug. And I can't get enough of it. I love cats (too much for a girl my age? Perhaps), but few things delight me more than a terrified or pissed off look on a cat's face. This is enhanced when put on a product, or when dressed up in a silly costume. If this cat had a hat on, I'd buy a thousand boxes of these cat tongues.

Google is my best friend

Google just made the coolest gadget ever. Check out this video:

I'm obsessed with maps in the same, anal way that I'm obsessed with weather.com. I like to know what's going on at all times. If only we could...

Holy shit, Google. C'mere. Shh, really, come closer. I just had an awesome idea. Let's combine them. Yeah, I'm for serious. OMG, it's gonna be so awesome. We can get an up to the minute weather map, like the kind on the news where you can see the progression of the cloud movement over time, and put that over the Google street view map, I could have everything in one place! You already show me the closest subway stations and restaurants (and their ratings), so don't stop there, Google. I wasn't screwing around when I said I like to know what's going on at all times. I want to be able to zoom in on parks and peoples' houses to see where my friends are. I want to know who is protesting at Union Square today and what they're fighting for. I want event and gossip updates so I can base my night around what shit is going down where. Like G-Chat, but just on top of the map. I want to be at the birthday party where Kate is bringing her new boyfriend when Google Maps tells me her bitter ex Jason will be there. I want to know when LiLo is in town, and where I can best position myself to see her wasted on booze and coke.

But that's all a fantasy for my gossipy and demanding imagination. Really, you're close to perfection for me, Google Maps. This new Street View option is amazing, it's like touring the city and never having to leave the house!

PS- I don't know where to put this, but I feel it must be mentioned... Street View video, orange suit, balls. My sympathies.

I'm a star!

Some of my bros over at The Seven Year Plan posted an article yesterday that I wrote as a revision/expansion of the P'Zone blog seen here on this very site. I am a lucky lady.

Please check out the article, register for the site and vote for it. There is a ton of other hilarious stuff to read or watch all over the site, so check it out. And I'll post a real blog soon, I promise.

http://www.thesevenyearplan.com/viewarticle.php?id=116


Also, a picture of something amazing: